I just got done watching an interesting lecture with my parents. It was on this gosho study of this month for the Living Buddhism. I still don't really understand the mentor-disciple relationship, people have suggested for me to read the Human Revolution and it kept referring back to that. Even though reading those volumes are so difficult because they do drone on. Sometimes, I miss good parts because I'm just trying to skim to something good. Which makes it harder; I use to be really good at getting Buddhist concepts. It's sad that as soon as I got a job I kind of lost that. But really, this lecture was focused on hope. No matter what the situation is, we always need to have hope. Even though gas and food prices are going up sky high for everyone, there's always still hope.

It was talking about how everyone seems to be reaching out for a hero or for someone to save them. When really, it's like the Tina Turner song, We Don't Need Another Hero. We can do it ourselves. No one realizes the importance of transforming their lives, everyone thinks that the having delusions rule their lives are okay. It's hard to understand the concept of certain delusions, because they seem to hide in such pretty forms, they make you think its okay to constantly put yourself down. I'm so tired of letting things get to me like this, when I need to give myself strict guidance and reflect back to myself honestly.

What am I doing wrong? And why am I doing this? Are these reasons really going to benefit me or bring me down to the level where I'll never get back up again? But since I have been practicing for so hard for these past few years, I'll never give up from this point on. It's just harder to determine to not be defeated when certain things come up and I am so emotionally drained, I can't even see straight. I think even if I can't see or I have a horrible headache, I should still push myself to study an hour everyday like I have been trying to do. Because for awhile I was able to do that, the thing with that is I didn't have a job. So, it's harder to be strict with myself, because I think the reason why I am working, that it's okay to slack off for certain things. When really, working at covenant village is a snap. There really is nothing hard about it. So, why do I keep complaining? For some reason, I want to keep finding this constant excuse not to go forward in my life when things come up.

Also, I really like in that letter, that no matter what, the heart is important. Even if someone is a million miles away, it doesn't matter, because in some way, their hearts and feelings will reach them. Even after death, you can still have dialogue with those you care about. I think this is really the kind of special relationship and connection that I have with people like Britni. The more I look at this concept and read over it, I realize she's been trying to do her own kosen-rufu; even if her parents or no one in her family approves of the SGI. She's doing exactly what these lectures are telling us to do. Connecting with her grandmother on another level and still having certain dialogues with her, is a sign of true mentor-disciple relationship. I believe even if someone isn't practicing this religion, it's still all connected. People just see things in other ways and that's okay. You don't have to do it a certain way, as long as the person is okay with it, because really, it's always been about the heart.

I need to really realize this with my own life. Like with Audrey, I love the girl so much. She has so much potential, even if she tries to tare me down. I need to realize that really the heart is what is important, so whatever effort I am doing, even if she disregards it. It will reach her. At some point, she will find happiness. I need to stop worrying so much. I need to stop thinking because I make decisions and mistakes that it's okay to slack off. Or that it's okay to not study something that I should be. Even if I am not feeling well, I still think I should challenge at least to study Buddhism for an hour and at least 20-30 minutes of practicing viola when I am not feeling good. Because at least I am making some sort of effort to advancing in my life. Every time I do challenge myself, even if I am beyond tired… I get really awake and feel a sense of accomplishments that can't be swayed by anything once I am done.

So, even though I am putting myself into something that could be hurtful; I am realizing that in the end it will be beneficial. That I know in the end, this could very be the push I need to get really, really serious about everything. I already have a pretty amazing grasp on life and the more I keep studying, the more I want to grasp more. It's this learning process and this push I keep putting through my life; even though my life is spinning with all of these obstacles. I feel no regrets; I feel no hatred towards anything. But the only thing I am disappointed in about is that I limit myself so much. I think just because I am suffering, that I should probably just take a breather. I think that's okay really, but when it comes to completely not doing it, I don't believe in it so much. That's the mistake I have been making these past few days. I have been letting myself neglect things; at least I should be studying Buddhism. At the very least. I shouldn't even be saying that...at the very least. Until I pass out and have a fucking seizure, then I should give myself time. But I have such a huge responsibility and for some reason I don't want to always take it.

It's like the experience I had with Audrey. She had a migraine, so she didn't want to drive her friend’s home. But once she made that commitment, if she just leaves her friends on the streets. She's going to have to face the consequences and possibilities of her friend's getting picked up or being in danger. Just because she didn't want to do something... it could have ended really badly. That's why we have to consider possibilities and I don't feel all too bad for really over-thinking things; however, when I over-think dumb things like relationships, that's again, when I feel bad. Really, when I am studying Buddhism and at least doing that, there are no limitations in my life.

So, speaking of, Britni. Let's get C.R. up already!